What if i feel like this my whole life?

There’s so much musical talent in the UK, and one of my favorite artists to emerge from that crowded field in recent years is singer-songwriter, producer and sound designer Charley Hullah, who goes by his last name HULLAH. According to his bio, HULLAH’s musical creativity is “driven by a passion for nightlife culture, city-living and stories from the queer community, and inspired by artists such as Everything but the Girl, Real Lies, Christine and the Queens and Pet Shop Boys. Wrapped in electro, 90s dance and synth-pop, his work emulates a nocturnal spirit, and is complemented by themes of alienation, ambition and a sense of dejection.”

I first learned about the talented, thoughtful and silky-voiced London-based artist in early 2022 when I was a guest moderator for the BBC Music weekly song competition Fresh On The Net, for which he’d entered his gorgeous single “Chasing Trains”. It was love at first listen, so much so that it spent 20 weeks on my Top 30 chart, going all the way to #1 and ranking #13 on my 100 Best Songs of 2022 list. He followed that November with the hauntingly beautiful “Wild as the Wind” (which I reviewed), also going on to spend many weeks on my chart and ending up at #63 on my 100 Best Songs of 2023 list.

Now he returns with his long-awaited fourth single “What if i feel like this my whole life?“, a deeply moving song inspired by his personal experience of living with the inflammatory disease ankylosing spondylitis. The track is the lead single from his forthcoming debut EP, WAVESTATE, to be released later this year. Self-produced by HULLAH, the song features contributions by musicians Michelangelo on synth bass, Gabrielle Ornate on chorus bass and Efe Cavus on Roland synth. The track was mixed by Mat Catlow and mastered by Jasper Ward.

The song explores his feelings of being a millennial in a state of transition and change, dealing with emotional issues ranging from mental health struggles to ordinary anxieties over relationships and city life. HULLAH elaborates “Living with an illness, I often feel a disconnect between my mind and body, something I try to bridge in my music. Music allows me to express my uncertainties and worries and helps me learn more about myself. Some days I’m mentally ready to seize the day but my body won’t let me. Other days I can be well in my body but my mind can’t follow – and vice versa. These experiences leave me unsettled and unsure and means I go looking for bigger causes of my mental and physical pain. Often it’s just a flare up and nothing more, but sometimes I uncover darker sides of my psyche in the process. That’s where this song is rooted. ‘What if i feel like this my whole life?’ emerged from these struggles and blends introspection with objectivity and a touch of melodrama. Self-awareness and a sense of humor often evolve from those living with a disease and disability – the latter make the days easier to battle. This song has helped me to make sense of what’s going on.”

To drive home his message, HULLAH and company have created a captivating soundscape of haunting atmospheric synths, crisp percussion and lush otherworldly textures layered over a sensuous synth bass groove. His beautiful vocals run the gamut from heartfelt sultry croons to unsettling electronically altered lamentations as he questions whether he’ll ever really feel good:

I wake in the morning
Turn on the TV
But it’s the same old channel
“Nobody needs me”

I feel sorry for myself
But then again I always do
I’ve been like this for so long
I don’t know what else to do

What if I feel like this my whole life?
What if I never get it right?
I don’t wanna take shots in the dark all the time
I don’t wanna feel like this my whole life

I know I’m not easy
But nobody can please me
It’s just the same old story
I been this way since I could speak
I seem to do good things
Then I turn them sour
But it’s hard living in the gutters we put ourselves

What if I feel like this my whole life?
What if I never get it right?
I don’t wanna take shots in the dark all the time
I don’t wanna feel like this my whole life

But what if I don’t
What if I do?
What if I never come through?
What do I do?
What’s the truth?
I don’t know

My mind ain’t kind to me most days
(Says he’s gonna change)
My thoughts they down like crashing planes
(But everything stays the same)
I think I might’ve been wired wrong
(No nothing ever changes)
‘Cos my head don’t feel like my home
(He’s tried, he’s tired)

I know I’m gonna change
(Says he’s gonna change)
I wanna change my life
(Says he’s gonna change)
I know I’m gonna change
(So when is the time?)
Now is the time

What if I feel like this my whole life?
What if I never get it right?
(I never seem to get it right)
I don’t wanna take shots in the dark all the time
I don’t wanna feel like this my whole life

But what if I don’t
What if I do
What if I never come through
What do I do?
What’s the truth?
I don’t know

What if I feel like this my whole life?
I really wanna, really wanna know will this feeling ever let me go?
I don’t why I have to feel like this all the time

“What if i feel like this my whole life?” is another outstanding and sonically stunning release by HULLAH, keeping his record of strong releases fully intact. I cannot wait to hear what he has in store for our listening pleasure!