Whatever our own individual tastes in music, everyone dislikes or viscerally hates certain music for our own particular – or peculiar – reasons. When songs or artists we despise are immensely popular, it can sometimes be isolating; others may think or even say out loud “are you serious?!” when discovering we hate a song or artist they love. As an example, I love Coldplay and most of their music output, but know some people who just don’t care for them or even hate their music. While I can understand some not finding Coldplay their cup of tea, I cannot for the life of me understand how someone could hate their music. But at the end of the day, how each of us hears music and makes a determination as to whether we like it or not is really quite subjective.
That being said, there are a number of songs that I hate, and many of them were massive hits, which makes them all the more loathsome to me. In thinking about why I hate those songs, it mostly comes down to the fact that they sound very displeasing to my ears. Some of my most hated songs are downright painful to listen to. I usually try to keep an open mind about music, and realize I’m judging it through my own biases and idiosyncrasies, but I like what I like, and dislike what I dislike, just like all my kind readers. Though it was a major challenge, given the number of hit songs I find repulsive, I’ve chosen ten that were #1 on the Billboard Hot 100. Interestingly, many are from the 1970s, an otherwise incredible decade for music.
1. YOU’RE HAVING MY BABY – Paul Anka (1974)
Quite possibly one of most insipid songs ever recorded, this stinker from Paul Anka is so bad it’s – well, bad! The music is the worst kind of boring milquetoast that was popular in the early to mid 1970s, and the lyrics would be laughable if they weren’t so bizarre. Among other things, they touch on the fact his woman could have chosen to abort her unborn baby, but didn’t. The dumbest line is “You’re having my baby. What a lovely way of saying how much you love me.” Anka started out in the late 1950s with a string of really good pop hits, but he hit bottom with this one. Nevertheless, it was one of his biggest hits, spending 3 weeks at #1 and offering proof that, sometimes, majority should not rule.
2. CONVOY – C.W. McCall (1976)
Oh man, how I hate this song! Hated it the first time I heard it back in 1976, and I hate it to this day. It was recorded at the height of CB radio popularity. The insipid chorus is so unbelievably bad that it sounds like a parody. If you’ve never heard it, take a listen and you’ll see what I mean. Ugh!
3. ONE BAD APPLE – The Osmonds (1971)
One of the biggest regrets of my life was the time I said to my younger sister while watching the Osmond Brothers perform on the Andy Williams show as a dumb kid: “They’re good, and should record some songs.” What the fuck was I thinking?! They did record some songs – lots of them – and they all stank! “One Bad Apple” was the biggest and worst of them all. This performance of the song is especially painful to watch and listen to, especially Donny Osmond’s horrific screeching and their embarrassing dance moves. They were a pathetic white-bread version of the infinitely more talented Jackson 5.
4. RING MY BELL – Anita Ward (1979)
I was a big fan of disco in the late 70s, but I always loathed “Ring My Bell.” Though it has a catchy beat, Anita Ward’s awful baby-like falsetto vocals were like nails on a chalkboard for me. And that annoying “boo” sound that continues unabated throughout the song drove me nearly to madness.
5. THE NIGHT CHICAGO DIED – Paper Lace (1974)
How can a song be this awful? Everything about “The Night Chicago Died” is terrible: lyrics, melody, music, and vocals. The ending chorus “Na na na Na na na Na na na na na” is positively sickening. This piece of crap immediately preceded “You’re Having My Baby” at the top of the Billboard Hot 100 in August 1974. What a shitty month for music that was! Thankfully, Eric Clapton’s “I Shot the Sheriff” shot those two turds from the top spot!
6. LOW – Flo Rida featuring T. Pain (2008)
Just a really stupid song with stupid lyrics and a prominent stupid clap machine setting the boring, mind-numbing beat. What makes it particularly hateful for me is that it was the #1 song of 2008. What the hell?
7. JOY TO THE WORLD – Three Dog Night (1971)
Three Dog Night was one of my favorite bands of the late 60s and early 70s, and I loved many of their songs, especially “One,” the gorgeous “Easy to Be Hard,” “Eli’s Coming” and “Mama Told Me Not to Come.” But I despise “Joy to the World,” which was far and away their biggest hit. I realize it’s one of those songs that nearly everybody LOVES, probably because it’s just so darn catchy, but it annoys the living shit out of me. If I never hear it again for the rest of my life, it would be a very good thing.
8. DARK HORSE – Katy Perry featuring Juicy J (2014)
I like Katy Perry well enough, and really do like a few of her hits, including “Teenage Dream,” “Firework,” “Wide Awake” and “Roar.” But oh how I hate “Dark Horse.” The lyrics are ridiculous, and Juicy J’s parts of the track are terrible, serving only to inject some street cred like some other white pop artists have done by adding a rap element to their songs (see Maroon 5 and Taylor Swift). But what really sets me off about this song is Juicy J’s line: “She’ll eat your heart out like Jeffrey Dahmer.” That is so offensive and tacky, especially to relatives of Dahmer’s victims. Few seemed to mind, though, as it spent four weeks at #1. The YouTube video, which I’ll admit is visually stunning, has been streamed nearly 2 billion times!
9. Anything from Milli Vanilli (1989)
Beginning in the summer of 1989, two German guys named Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus, who went by the artistic name Milli Vanilli, had a string of forgettable #1 hits: “Baby Don’t Forget My Number,” “Girl I’m Gonna Miss You” and “Blame it on the Rain.” I didn’t care for any of them, and was honestly perplexed as to why they were so popular. Needless to say, I felt vindicated when it was later revealed that Morvan and Pilatus had not sung any of the songs, and were stripped of their Grammy award.
10. AMERICAN PIE – Don McLean (1972)
“American Pie” was one of the most popular songs of the 1970s, so as with all big hits, it was played to death on the radio. To make matters worse, it was so damned long, clocking in at over 8 1/2 minutes, and seemed to go on forever. I liked it OK at first, but after a few months of non-stop airplay (back in the day when hearing songs on the radio was our main form of listening to music besides playing them on our stereos), I came to loathe it. As soon as I’d hear “Long, long time ago…” my finger pressed the station selection button on the car radio quicker than a pitcher’s fastball. If I were the DJ of my own radio station, “American Pie” – along with all the other songs on this list – would not be allowed in the building.
Imma Be – Black-Eyed Peas
Fergalicious – Fergie
Bills, Bills, Bills – Destiny’s Child
Bad Blood – Neil Sedaka & Elton John
Go Away Little Girl – Donnie Osmond
The Streak – Ray Stevens (yet another dreadful song from 1974)
I Am Woman – Helen Reddy
Crank That (Soulja Boy) – Soulja Boy Tell’em
I’m Real – Jennifer Lopez featuring Ja Rule
Bad & Boujee – Migos featuring Lil Uzi Vert